We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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