I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
