Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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