remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
we're so committed to being not committed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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