I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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