it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
