Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
