If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
