I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
