Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
