STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
