She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
