My Higher Power is John Stamos
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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