I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
