I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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