your parents love me but you hate me
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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