why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
