so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
