If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
