i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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