Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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