i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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