What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
