It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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