Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
