I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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