Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
