new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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