peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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