I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
