You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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