Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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