I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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