We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
