I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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