After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
