Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
