i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
