Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
