I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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