i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
