I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just googled if crying burns calories
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
