Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
