Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
