You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
