Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
