I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
