had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
