im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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