Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
