Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
