I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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