eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
