just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
