I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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